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Table of Contents
Signs of a Narcissistic Parent
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
Treatment
Narcissistic parents may have a set of personality traits that include being self-centered and attention-seeking. If you suspect you have anarcissistic mother or father, you may be wondering how to deal with them in order to preserve both your well-being and your relationship with them.
This article discusses how to tell if you have a narcissistic parent, ways to interact with them, and treatments that may help you cope.
Verywell / Laura Porter
Narcissism vs. Narcissistic Personality DisorderSomeone who is a narcissist isn’t necessarily living withnarcissistic personality disorder(or anypersonality disorder). Narcissism isn’t a diagnosis; it refers to a set of personality traits.
Narcissism vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Someone who is a narcissist isn’t necessarily living withnarcissistic personality disorder(or anypersonality disorder). Narcissism isn’t a diagnosis; it refers to a set of personality traits.
Your parent’s genetics,childhood, early relationships, general personality and temperament, trauma, and more factors impact their feelings and behavior. Characteristics of narcissistic parents may include the following.
Focusing all the family’s time and attention on themselves
Narcissists often need continuous validation to make up for low self esteem. They also tend to focus more on their own feelings than those of other people. With a narcissistic parent, this may manifest as always wanting to be the focus of the family’s attention.
Not showing concern or compassion for their children or other family members
Because narcissist people often focus on themselves and think about their needs over the needs of others, a narcissistic parent may show little concern or compassion for other family members, including you or their other children. They may be most concerned about how your feelings and behavior affect them, not about how you or other family members may be feeling.
Not taking accountability when things go wrong
Narcissists may jump to blame other people when a plan crumbles, even if they are the one at fault. Admitting to their own mistakes or flaws may shatter their already unstable view of themselves.
Being codependent or controlling
God Complex in Psychology: Traits, Causes, and Effects
Will tease, mock, bully, or gaslight
A narcissistic parent may try to bring you down through teasing, mocking, bullying, or gaslighting so that they can always seem to superior to you. In this way, they can exert control over you.
Only be able to show conditional love
A narcissistic parent may make you feel like you will not love them if they do or say certain things. Withholding love is a way for them to instill fear to further control you.
Emotional Abuse: Signs of Mental Abuse and What to Do
Mental Health HotlineIf you or a loved one are struggling with self-harming behaviors or other distressing mental health concerns, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Mental Health Hotline
If you or a loved one are struggling with self-harming behaviors or other distressing mental health concerns, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If you or a loved one are struggling with self-harming behaviors or other distressing mental health concerns, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
What Is Psychological Stress?
Dealing with narcissistic parents is a choice as an adult. You may need to make some hard decisions that include setting new boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate moving forward. It may take time to figure out what type of relationship (if any) you want to work on with this parent. Ups and downs are to be expected.
When in any relationship with a narcissist, it’s good to prioritize self-care and emotional well-being. Narcissists can drain energy and twist facts to the point that may have you wondering whether you’re the one with the problem. That’s because the finger has likely always been pointed in your direction.
Here are some ways to deal with narcissistic parents:
Remind Yourself You Are Dealing With a Narcissist
Keep in mind that it will be difficult to change a narcissistic parent’s behavior or get them to truly understand how you feel. Reminding yourself that you may never win can prevent frustration and disappointment.
Know You Cannot Change the Narcissist
It will be impossible to change a narcissistic parent unless they’ve recognized the problem and want to change. Trying to change them will only cause you frustration because you’re unlikely to get the result you want.
Avoid Questioning Yourself
Narcissistic people can be convincing, and it can be tempting to start questioning whether you’re in the wrong. But it’s best to stay confident and avoid questioning yourself; narcissists purposefully manipulate to get you to see things their way.
Don’t Try to Explain Narcissism to the Narcissist
A narcissistic person likely doesn’t want to understand themselves or change, and any attempt to explain narcissism to them likely won’t go the way you hope.
Don’t Isolate Yourself With Your Narcissistic Parent
If you end up alone with a narcissistic parent, you run the risk that they’ll try to manipulate you or cross boundaries that you’ve set. Only spending time with your parent in a group setting will minimize your contact with them and provide a buffer if they do attempt to engage in hurtful behavior.
Set Healthy Boundaries
You will need to be firm with your narcissistic parent about any boundaries you have, whether your boundary involves the amount of time you want to spend with them or the topics you’re willing to discuss. If they try to cross those boundaries, be assertive.
Don’t Accept False Promises
Be Direct About Their Role in Your Life
Seek External Help and Support
Dealing with a narcissistic parent is difficult in many ways. Lean on friends and loved ones to help you through it. Your support network can also help guide you if you fear you may have difficulty parenting your own child as a result of your upbringing.
Be Willing to Pause or End the Relationship
Although it’s not easy to end a relationship with a parent, it may be the best course of action if you feel that the relationship is causing you distress. If you’re not ready to put a permanent end to the relationship, you can also take a break and revisit the situation once you’ve had time away.
Treatment for Children of Narcissists
If you are considering the ways in which growing up with a narcissist may have impacted your life, it may be helpful to have professional guidance. Depending on their training and services, psychotherapists may offer help in the following ways.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapyis a form oftalk therapythat takes place over several or many sessions. It can help you recognize unhealthy beliefs you learned in childhood and how they may contribute to your current problems. Your therapist can also share information on narcissism to help you see how it influenced your home dynamics and relationship with your parents.
CBT is about how to change thought patterns in ways that can help you live the life you want, including how to change the way you feel about yourself and your capabilities so you can work on your goals. These goals may or may not involve the narcissistic parent; that will be your choice.
CBT is currently considered the gold standard for certain mental health conditions as it’s the most well-researched form of psychotherapy. However, there are other evidence-based psychotherapies, such as psychodynamic psychotherapy, that can help you better understand and master the impact of your early relationships on your current life.
If you have lasting effects of living with a narcissistic parent like trauma flashbacks, being easily triggered emotionally, or issues with emotional regulation, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing may be an option. It can help you desensitize and reprocess traumatic memories in ways that become more manageable.
EMDR therapy uses a structured eight-phase approach over multiple sessions that includes:
EMDR therapy differs from other trauma-focused treatments in that it does not includeextended exposureto the distressing memory, detailed descriptions of the trauma, challenging of dysfunctional beliefs, or homework assignments.
Interpersonal Family Therapy
Certain types of family therapy, includinginterpersonal family therapy, may be considered in addition to the other methods of treatment, but typically only if both you and the narcissistic parent agree to work together on your relationship. However, getting a narcissist to acknowledge their role in poor relationships or toxic behaviors may be particularly challenging since they often believe they can do no wrong.
What Is Family Therapy?
Seek Help If You Need ItIf you are experiencing signs and symptoms of mental health problems such as anxiety or depression, consider talking to a mental health professional about how you feel right now and opening up about your past. Telling your healthcare provider about any signs and symptoms is always a good way to begin the healing process.
Seek Help If You Need It
If you are experiencing signs and symptoms of mental health problems such as anxiety or depression, consider talking to a mental health professional about how you feel right now and opening up about your past. Telling your healthcare provider about any signs and symptoms is always a good way to begin the healing process.
Summary
Growing up with a narcissistic parent is a unique challenge that can have lasting effects on mental and physical health. However, it’s never too late to recognize the role narcissism played in your self-development and to change.
There are many options like CBT and EMDR that can help you deal with trauma, set healthy goals, and find and maintain healthier relationships.
Only you can decide whether or not working on a relationship with a narcissistic parent is worth your time, effort, and energy. Working on healing yourself from damages done, though, will always be worth it.
5 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Forward S, Buck C.Toxic parents: overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. Random House Publishing Group; 2002.
Thomas N, Bass P.17 signs of a narcissistic parent and how to deal with them. Choosing Therapy.
David D, Cristea I, Hofmann SG.Why cognitive behavioral therapy is the current gold standard of psychotherapy.Front Psychiatry. 2018;9:4. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00004
American Psychological Association.EMDR therapy.
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