Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDefinitionSigns of ControlSigns of AbuseCausesCoping
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Definition
Signs of Control
Signs of Abuse
Causes
Coping
Controlling behavior happens when someone asserts control over another person through manipulation. Someone’s intimidating, overbearing, and authoritarian behavior can make you feel angry or embarrassed or even create feelings of inferiority. It can and often does become abusive, especially when it makes you feel afraid or intimidated.
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What Is Controlling Behavior?
Controlling behavior occurs when a person attempts to conform another person to their own needs or desires through some form of manipulation. This outsized desire for control is unhealthy, unhelpful, and may create relationship conflicts, but it’s not always abusive.
Controlling behavior becomes abusive when it is coercive (threatening). This behavior includes ongoing degradation and threats that can lead todomestic violence. Multiple studies have shown that controlling behavior is associated with a higher likelihood of physical aggression or abuse.
Signs of Controlling Behavior
Controlling people don’t always employ the same tactics, but some common behaviors can point to a controlling personality. Here are some examples of controlling behavior.
It’s Their Way or the Highway
Controlling people are often inflexible and insist that everything needs to be their way. They often won’t adapt and may not be open to others' suggestions or points of view.
A controlling person might get angry when you say “no” and will often go to great lengths to get you to change your mind, including making it seem like you don’t have the option to refuse their demands.
They Want to Be the Center of Attention
They have a strong need to be the center of attention and have the focus on them. Often, when controlling people ask about your life, they will quickly redirect the conversation back to themselves. For example, if you don’t feel well or are having a bad day, they may say they feel worse or their day was more difficult than yours.
They Are Always Criticizing You
They may be highly critical of your actions and feel there is a “right” or better way to do things. In their mind, this can be a way of helping you improve. It may include subtle remarks or interrupting you to point out small criticisms of your words or actions.
For example, if you have an accomplishment, they may comment on how you could have done things better, or they may congratulate you but then make a dig or joke at your expense.
They Keep You Away From Friends and Loved Ones
A controlling person may seem unreasonably jealous about the other people in your life, even close family members and other platonic relationships.
They may constantly ask where you’ve been or who you’re planning to see or become upset when you spend time with someone else. They may even try to prevent you from seeing your friends or family.
They Blame Others
Controlling people feel that nothing is their fault. They will use a technique known as projection to shift the blame back to you. They may even accuse you of things they have done themselves so they can’t be blamed.
They’re Manipulative
Manipulationis one of the key components of controlling people because manipulating others gives them a sense of power and control.
They Gaslight You
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where a person tries to convince you that you’re overreacting or imagining problems that aren’t there.
A person may even try to convince you that you’re crazy to avoid taking responsibility for certain actions. When this happens often, it might cause you to doubt your memory or judgment.
They Don’t Respect Boundaries
Controlling people typically do not respect another person’sboundaries. In healthy relationships, boundaries between two people are respected and valued. For the controlling person, a boundary is a hindrance to their need for control.
They Try to Make You Feel Guilty
Controlling people may guilt you into doing what they want. For example, they may cause you to feel guilty for how you spend your time, such as with friends instead of with them.
They’re Unpredictable
They can go from being happy to quickly getting irritated, moody, and sulking, especially if they can’t get their way.
They Excuse Their Behavior as “Just Joking”
They may subtly make fun of you or put you down, and when you question the comment, they say they are “just joking,” or they will accuse you of not being able to take a joke. This is different from playful banter, as it has an edge to it and makes the other person feel ridiculed and uncomfortable.
They Keep Score
They typically keep a mental scorecard. If they have done something for you, you’ll be reminded and they may use guilt to get what they want from you. This scorecard generally stays in their favor, and they will get more than they give.
They Try to Change You
They Use Intimidation
Intimidation can take several different forms. Someone who talks down to you in front of others is using a form of intimidation. Threats—both violent and non-violent—are another form of intimidation. The person may threaten to expose a secret, for example, or leave with your children. They may also threaten to hurt you or someone you care about.
Relationship abuse is about gaining power and control over another person. But just because someone is controlling doesn’t mean they areabusive.
Controlling behavior crosses the line into abuse when it results in the other person feeling afraid and intimidated. However, it is not always easy to identify specific actions as abuse. You may excuse a partner’s behavior or feel that you are overreacting.
In general,abuse escalates over time. Identifying certain behaviors early gives you a better chance of exiting a relationship safely.
Does your partner:
Do you:
If even one or two of these behaviors is happening in your relationship, talk to someone you trust.
Resources to Get Help
If you have experienced threats, intimidation, isolation, or ridicule from your partner, you may be experiencing abuse. You can contact the following places for help, resources, and information:
Control is a basic social need. It provides a sense of predictability, stability, and order. In some people, this need for control becomes unhealthy.
Insecurity andanxietycan lead to controlling behavior. Instead of using healthy coping skills, controlling people want to control the world around them in an attempt to feel better.
Often, controlling behavior is the result of a mental condition that causes a person to have abnormal social expectations.
Ananxiety disorder, for example, may lead to controlling behavior. A person with a personality disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder lacks empathy for other people, which can also lead to controlling behavior.Individuals with codependent personality disorder often struggle with making decisions on their own and feeling helpless, which can also lead to controlling behaviors.
People may also exhibit controlling behavior because of an inflated sense of responsibility towards others.
Managing Controlling Behavior
People with controlling behaviors can be challenging to deal with. It may be exhausting and at times overwhelming. In these cases, self-care and support are vital to your well-being.
Here are some ways to cope with the controlling people in your life:
Dealing With a Controlling Partner
A partner with controlling behaviors may say things that negate you or dismiss your reality and perceptions. If you point out something they have done, they may project it back onto you.
It can be hard not to lose yourself and your sense of reality in these types of relationships when control is your partner’s goal and they are not concerned with what is in your best interest.
Controlling behaviors in a relationship may include dialogue like:
Ways to respond:Regardless of how the controlling partner behaves, you may need to find ways to push back respectfully. Here are a few tips:
When You’re the Controlling Person
If you are a controlling person, awareness is the first step. We can’t change what we don’t even see. Here are some suggestions on how to improve:
Summary
Controlling people attempt to assert power and control over others through manipulative tactics such as blaming, being critical, and shutting others down. They may not be aware they are exhibiting this behavior, which often stems from their own anxiety.
6 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Cascardi M, Chesin M, Kammen M.Personality correlates of intimate partner violence subtypes: a latent class analysis.Aggress Behav. 2018;44(4):348-61. doi:10.1002/ab.21756
Dichter ME, Thomas KA, Crits-Christoph P, Ogden SN, Rhodes KV.Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Violence: Relationship with Women’s Experience of Violence, Use of Violence, and Danger.Psychol Violence. 2018;8(5):596-604. doi:10.1037/vio0000158
Simply Psychology.Early Signs of a Controlling Man.
National Domestic Violence Hotline.Learn More About Abuse - What Does Abuse Include?
Boston University.“I” messages or “I” statements.
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