Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDefining TraitsHow Does It Start?EffectsCopingBuilding Secure RelationshipsNavigating Relationships With an Avoidant
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Defining Traits
How Does It Start?
Effects
Coping
Building Secure Relationships
Navigating Relationships With an Avoidant
Someone might develop avoidant attachment if their childhood caregiver was neglectful, emotionally closed, strict, or detached.
This article explores the avoidant attachment style.
Raul Ortin / Getty Images
Avoidant Attachment Style Defining Traits
Your attachment style is created in childhood, but it can also affect you in your adult life. Below are the defining traits of an avoidant attachment style in childhood and adulthood.
Childhood
Beginning in infancy, you learn about the world through your connection to parents or caregivers. Children with an avoidant attachment may:
Experts believe these behaviors stem from the caregiver’s behavior and other environmental factors—like trauma or abuse.
In Adults
Adults who have avoidant attachment can appear self-confident and friendly and have many—albeit often surface-level—friendships. Their avoidant behaviors become more apparent during stressful periods or within romantic partnerships.
Avoidant attachment in adults can look like this:
Passing on Avoidant AttachmentAs a parent, you may worry about passing on the avoidant attachment style to your child, particularly if you identify as having it yourself. Sensitive and responsive parenting is the best way to provide a secure attachment style for your child.If you are there for your child, respond to their cries, support them emotionally, and do not neglect or mistreat them, then you are setting them up for developing a secure attachment style.
Passing on Avoidant Attachment
As a parent, you may worry about passing on the avoidant attachment style to your child, particularly if you identify as having it yourself. Sensitive and responsive parenting is the best way to provide a secure attachment style for your child.If you are there for your child, respond to their cries, support them emotionally, and do not neglect or mistreat them, then you are setting them up for developing a secure attachment style.
As a parent, you may worry about passing on the avoidant attachment style to your child, particularly if you identify as having it yourself. Sensitive and responsive parenting is the best way to provide a secure attachment style for your child.
If you are there for your child, respond to their cries, support them emotionally, and do not neglect or mistreat them, then you are setting them up for developing a secure attachment style.
How Does an Avoidant Attachment Style Start?
People typically develop their attachment styles from environmental factors—such as caregiver behaviors, living situations, or abuse—rather than genetic factors.
Avoidant attachment is one of the insecure types developed from childhood relationships with caretakers who didn’t meet your needs. Avoidant children often have caregivers who are unreliable, strict, insensitive, and discourage emotions.They may also have experienced childhood abuse, or inconsistent caregiving (for instance moving between different foster home settings).
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Effects of Avoidant Attachment
Having an avoidant attachment style can significantly impact your relationships as an adult. It can also influence how you see yourself.
Relationships
Deep or meaningful relationships can be challenging for someone with an avoidant attachment style because their reflex is to avoid emotional intimacy. This behavior can cause issues when partners sense them pulling away or avoiding closeness.
Self-Image
People with avoidant attachment tend to have a favorable view of themselves and behave confidently.This behavior stems from their hyper-independence and need for autonomy and control.
Triggers
The average adult with an avoidant attachment style can seem confident and well-adjusted until something stressful happens and triggers their avoidant behaviors.Some possible triggers are:
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Coping Tools With an Avoidant Attachment Style
People with aninsecure attachment style, such as avoidant attachment, have unhealthy coping mechanisms when they encounter situations that make them uncomfortable.
For example, individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to use distancing and deactivating strategies.This means they will remove themselves from the situation or relationship.
This avoidance is a defensive mechanism because the person with an avoidant attachment style feels scared of intimacy and uncomfortable having to depend on another person.
How to Build Secure Relationships as an Avoidant
As someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may notice yourself pulling away during times when others expect you to be emotionally vulnerable. This can, obviously, create problems in your relationships.
As an adult, it can be frightening to open yourself up when you learned at a young age to close yourself off.
The best thing you can do is communicate honestly with your partner—even if you’re explaining your fear to them or saying, “I acknowledge your needs but I also need some time and space to think this through privately before coming back to you.”
Hopefully, your partner understands and can offer you what you need. Over time, and with effort on both your parts, it is possible to develop a secure relationship and change your coping mechanisms.Couples counselingcan also be helpful with this process.
If you’re in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may wonder what to do when they pull away.
In the same way, your partner may not be great at comforting you emotionally but are good at showing their love and affection in nonverbal ways.
Summary
Your attachment style is formed during childhood based on how your caregiver treated you or other environmental factors. Children with avoidant attachment may seem aloof, distant, or self-reliant. When these children grow up, they may seem like they are independent, successful, and confident until emotional demands are made of them, often in an intimate partnership.
Opening up emotionally can be very challenging for the avoidant person, but it is possible to work through these challenges with a supportive partner. Educating yourself about your attachment style is a good first step to addressing these issues.
6 SourcesVerywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Attachment theory.Doinita NE, Maria ND.Attachment and parenting styles.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2015;203:199-204. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.08.282Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.Simpson JA, Rholes WS.Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017;13:19-24. doi:10.1016%2Fj.copsyc.2016.04.006Garcia Quiroga M, Hamilton-Giachritsis C.Attachment styles in children living in alternative care: a systematic review of the literature.Child Youth Care Forum. 2016;45:625-653. doi:10.1007%2Fs10566-015-9342-xSchultz BE, Corbett CF, Hughes RG.Instrumental support: a conceptual analysis.Nursing Forum. 2022;57(4):665-670. doi:10.1111/nuf.12704
6 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Attachment theory.Doinita NE, Maria ND.Attachment and parenting styles.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2015;203:199-204. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.08.282Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.Simpson JA, Rholes WS.Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017;13:19-24. doi:10.1016%2Fj.copsyc.2016.04.006Garcia Quiroga M, Hamilton-Giachritsis C.Attachment styles in children living in alternative care: a systematic review of the literature.Child Youth Care Forum. 2016;45:625-653. doi:10.1007%2Fs10566-015-9342-xSchultz BE, Corbett CF, Hughes RG.Instrumental support: a conceptual analysis.Nursing Forum. 2022;57(4):665-670. doi:10.1111/nuf.12704
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
American Psychological Association.Attachment theory.Doinita NE, Maria ND.Attachment and parenting styles.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2015;203:199-204. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.08.282Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.Simpson JA, Rholes WS.Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017;13:19-24. doi:10.1016%2Fj.copsyc.2016.04.006Garcia Quiroga M, Hamilton-Giachritsis C.Attachment styles in children living in alternative care: a systematic review of the literature.Child Youth Care Forum. 2016;45:625-653. doi:10.1007%2Fs10566-015-9342-xSchultz BE, Corbett CF, Hughes RG.Instrumental support: a conceptual analysis.Nursing Forum. 2022;57(4):665-670. doi:10.1111/nuf.12704
American Psychological Association.Attachment theory.
Doinita NE, Maria ND.Attachment and parenting styles.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2015;203:199-204. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.08.282
Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.
Simpson JA, Rholes WS.Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017;13:19-24. doi:10.1016%2Fj.copsyc.2016.04.006
Garcia Quiroga M, Hamilton-Giachritsis C.Attachment styles in children living in alternative care: a systematic review of the literature.Child Youth Care Forum. 2016;45:625-653. doi:10.1007%2Fs10566-015-9342-x
Schultz BE, Corbett CF, Hughes RG.Instrumental support: a conceptual analysis.Nursing Forum. 2022;57(4):665-670. doi:10.1111/nuf.12704
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