Raising anautisticchild can be challenging, frustrating, and stressful for all involved. Among partners who care for autistic kids, there can be disagreements about the best treatments, the validity of a diagnosis, and how much time and money to devote to the child.
For some couples, the process of addressing and resolving these issues leads to a stronger bond. For others, however, the stress can take a real toll on the relationship. In fact, research shows that parenting an autistic child is associated with increased marital conflict.
This article presents five conflicts that parents or guardians of an autistic child might experience, and some ideas for navigating their disagreement.
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You Don’t Have the Same Concerns About Your Child’s Development
These kinds of observations are not easy for any parent to hear, and it’s not uncommon for each parent to have a very different response. One parent, for example, may become defensive or dismissive, or another becomes overly concerned, watching for everyunusual behavior or developmental delay. One may insist on taking the childto be evaluated, while the other ignores the issue.
You Handle the Challenges of Autism Differently
Autistic kids are different from one another and different fromneurotypicalchildren. For some parents, those differences represent a challenge to be met or an opportunity to grow and learn. For other parents, those same differences can be overwhelming and upsetting.
It takes energy and imagination to figure out how to engage with an autistic child, and the process can be exhausting. A parent who has more patience and is able to more easily connect with the child often assumes most of the responsibility.
If they don’t mind doing it, that may be best, and the other parent may feel relieved. However, the more involved parent may become resentful over time, and parents who should be working as a “team” may grow apart.
Even if one parent tends to take on most of the responsibility, it’s important for the other parent to spend quality time with their child for the sake of all involved.
Several studies have reported an increase in psychological distress, including depression, anxiety, decreased family cohesion, and burnout, among caregivers of autistic children as compared to caregivers of children with other developmental disabilities.
You Disagree About Treatments
When a child has a straightforward medical diagnosis, the options for treatment tend to be straightforward as well, making it easy for parents to be on the same page. But there is nothing straightforward aboutautism treatment.
For one thing, the definition of what qualifies for an autism diagnosis has changed dramatically over time.As of 2013, when the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) was published, the same diagnosis ofautism spectrum disorder(ASD) is given to children with a wide variation of autism traits and intensity levels.
These levels include autism with low support needs, high support needs (lower function), and anywhere between. Hence, there is no one-size-fits all treatment for ASD, and no “cure.” Options include a variety of well-researched, proven therapies and medications, as well as unproven treatments that can be risky.
One parent or guardian may want to stick with conservative measures, while the other is interested in exploring new options. Another area of potential disagreement is which kind of educational setting is best for the child.
Some parents or guardians may want their child to be “mainstreamed” with neurotypical children in apublic school, while others believe they would do best in anautism-onlyor private school.
What Is the Best Treatment for Autism?
You Become an Autism Expert While Your Partner Avoids the Topic
If one parent or guardian is the primary caregiver, that parent or guardian often starts off as the person who learns about autism first. They are the one who talks with teachers, meets developmental pediatricians, and arranges for evaluations.
Traditionally,mothersare most involved early on and often become avid researchers and focused advocates for their autistic kids. They learn about disability and special education law, therapeutic options,health insurance, support groups, disability programs,disability camps, and classroom options.
All this can make it difficult for partners who are not primary caregivers to jump in and take equal responsibility for their child. If one parent claims responsibility and authority, the other one may feel like an outsider. They may take responsibility for neurotypically developing siblings or household chores, while remaining somewhat in the dark about both their autistic child and their partner.
What It’s Like Being the Sibling of an Autistic Child
You Don’t Agree About How Much Time and Money to Devote to Your Child
Raising an autistic child is time-consuming and expensive. As the parent or guardian of an autistic kid, you will need to attend disability or special education meetings, and meet with teachers and therapists.
You may wonder if it makes sense toquit a job to manage autismtherapies, mortgage the house to pay for an autism-specific private school, or dip into your other child’s college fund to pay for a therapeutic camp. It is not unusual for parents or guardians to disagree on how much to spend, on what, for how long, and at what cost to a family’s present or future security.
How Autism Is Treated
Relationship-Saving Strategies
The key to preserving a good relationship is to keep the lines of communication open. Even if you disagree with your spouse or partner, it’s important to listen to their opinions and to why they feel strongly about what is best for the child.
While it may seem easier to divide and conquer, couples should work hard to share and collaborate on things concerning their child whenever possible. Autistic kids need consistency and showing them a “unified front” is beneficial.
Ultimately, both parents want what’s best for their autistic child, and everyone will benefit when parents or guardians have a strong relationship. Learning to compromise and find common ground will allow you appreciate a child’s strengths, while also ensuring they get the help they need to function effectively at home, at school, and in the community.
3 SourcesVerywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Chan KKS, Leung DCK.The impact of child autistic symptoms on parental marital relationship: Parenting and coparenting processes as mediating mechanisms.Autism Research.2020;13:1516-1526. doi:10.1002/aur.2297Nik Adib NA, Ibrahim MI, Ab Rahman A, et al.Perceived stress among caregivers of children with autism spectrum disorder: A state-wide study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(8):1468. doi:10.3390/ijerph16081468Lenovich Z.The evolution of ‘autism’ as a diagnosis, explained.Additional ReadingHartley S, Barker ET, Seltzer MM, et al.The relative risk and timing of divorce in families of children with an autism spectrum disorder.Journal of Family Psychology. 2010 Aug; 24(4): 449–457. doi:10.1037/a0019847Larson E.Ever vigilant: Maternal support of participation in daily life for boys with autism.Physical & Occupational Therapy In Pediatrics. 2010 Jan 1;30(1):16-27.
3 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Chan KKS, Leung DCK.The impact of child autistic symptoms on parental marital relationship: Parenting and coparenting processes as mediating mechanisms.Autism Research.2020;13:1516-1526. doi:10.1002/aur.2297Nik Adib NA, Ibrahim MI, Ab Rahman A, et al.Perceived stress among caregivers of children with autism spectrum disorder: A state-wide study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(8):1468. doi:10.3390/ijerph16081468Lenovich Z.The evolution of ‘autism’ as a diagnosis, explained.Additional ReadingHartley S, Barker ET, Seltzer MM, et al.The relative risk and timing of divorce in families of children with an autism spectrum disorder.Journal of Family Psychology. 2010 Aug; 24(4): 449–457. doi:10.1037/a0019847Larson E.Ever vigilant: Maternal support of participation in daily life for boys with autism.Physical & Occupational Therapy In Pediatrics. 2010 Jan 1;30(1):16-27.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Chan KKS, Leung DCK.The impact of child autistic symptoms on parental marital relationship: Parenting and coparenting processes as mediating mechanisms.Autism Research.2020;13:1516-1526. doi:10.1002/aur.2297Nik Adib NA, Ibrahim MI, Ab Rahman A, et al.Perceived stress among caregivers of children with autism spectrum disorder: A state-wide study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(8):1468. doi:10.3390/ijerph16081468Lenovich Z.The evolution of ‘autism’ as a diagnosis, explained.
Chan KKS, Leung DCK.The impact of child autistic symptoms on parental marital relationship: Parenting and coparenting processes as mediating mechanisms.Autism Research.2020;13:1516-1526. doi:10.1002/aur.2297
Nik Adib NA, Ibrahim MI, Ab Rahman A, et al.Perceived stress among caregivers of children with autism spectrum disorder: A state-wide study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(8):1468. doi:10.3390/ijerph16081468
Lenovich Z.The evolution of ‘autism’ as a diagnosis, explained.
Hartley S, Barker ET, Seltzer MM, et al.The relative risk and timing of divorce in families of children with an autism spectrum disorder.Journal of Family Psychology. 2010 Aug; 24(4): 449–457. doi:10.1037/a0019847Larson E.Ever vigilant: Maternal support of participation in daily life for boys with autism.Physical & Occupational Therapy In Pediatrics. 2010 Jan 1;30(1):16-27.
Hartley S, Barker ET, Seltzer MM, et al.The relative risk and timing of divorce in families of children with an autism spectrum disorder.Journal of Family Psychology. 2010 Aug; 24(4): 449–457. doi:10.1037/a0019847
Larson E.Ever vigilant: Maternal support of participation in daily life for boys with autism.Physical & Occupational Therapy In Pediatrics. 2010 Jan 1;30(1):16-27.
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