Dating with herpes can come with a lot of worry. For example, you might be scared of spreading herpes to your partner or fear facing the social stigma of having herpes.
Here’s what you should know about dating with herpes, including how to talk with your partners about the diagnosis and what you can do to stay safe.
How to Handle Herpes Stigma
Why Herpes Isn’t a Dating Dealbreaker
People often worry that peoplewill judge themif they find out they have herpes—and sometimes, those fears turn out to be true. While some people might be cruel to youafter a herpes diagnosis, others in your life might be kind, supportive, and understanding.
Herpes Is Common
Herpes is extremely common. Genital herpes affects about 12% of Americans ages 14 to 49.Given how common it is, most people know at least one person who has herpes—or may even have it themselves.
Having a family member or friend with herpes can make people more likely to be understanding when they find out someone else has it. Once people realize how common herpes is and how often people with herpes do not have symptoms, it can be motivation for gettingtestedthemselves.
You Are Not Your Disease
It’s easier said than done, but it’s important not to judge yourself harshly after you’ve been diagnosed with herpes. While the diagnosis might be all you can think about, remember that while it is a disease you have, it is not who you are.
The idea of dating after getting diagnosed with herpes can be intimidating, especially since dating can be full of high emotions, stress, and challenges for anyone.
Try to keep in mind that people don’t necessarily date just to find someone to have sex with. If you’re dating someone, chances are they like you and enjoy spending time with you. Being physically intimate might be part of why they like being with you, but it’s probably not the only reason.
You might be surprised to learn that a person you’re dating is not just tolerant of your herpes diagnosis, but is not especially bothered or “put off” about it. To them, it might be something you both have to learn to live with but not necessarily a relationship “dealbreaker.”
The Right Person Won’t Reject You
Herpes
How to Tell Your Partner
One of the hardest things about dating with herpes is deciding when todiscloseyour diagnosis to a partner.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re getting ready to have that conversation.
Be Upfront
You should tell your herpes diagnosis to a partnerbefore you have sex. Doing so gives them the chance to make an informed choice about what risks they are and are not comfortable taking.
A partner may also worry that you’ve not told them other important things or that you’ve lied—or, that you would do so in the future. They might be concerned that you would hide things from them or keep other important secrets.
Being upfront about your diagnosis establishes a couple of important things: that you care about your partner and their wellbeing and respect them, and that you are committed to having open, honest communication in a relationship.
How to Bring It Up
The timing of when you tell a partner about your herpes diagnosis will depend on different factors. You don’t have to mention it on the first date, but you will want to bring it up before you are ready for intimacy.
The “where” for the conversation is another important factor to think about. For example, if you’re worried about how your partner might react, find a safe place where you can talk without interruptions or being overheard. Ideally, it should be somewhere you can both feel comfortable and relaxed.
For example, if you’re getting to the stage in dating when you’re thinking about staying the night with a partner, you may choose to bring up your diagnosis the next time you have dinner or take a walk together.
Example Disclosure of Diagnosis“I like how things are going in our relationship, and I’m hoping we’ll end up in bed sometime soon. Before we do, I wanted to let you know that I have genital herpes. I take suppressive therapy and haven’t had an outbreak in a while, so the risk of passing it to you is low.“Still, it’s not zero. So, I wanted you to have a chance to think about it before we get intimate. You don’t need to respond right now. When—and if—you’re ready, I’m happy to talk with you more or to just send you some information.”
Example Disclosure of Diagnosis
“I like how things are going in our relationship, and I’m hoping we’ll end up in bed sometime soon. Before we do, I wanted to let you know that I have genital herpes. I take suppressive therapy and haven’t had an outbreak in a while, so the risk of passing it to you is low.“Still, it’s not zero. So, I wanted you to have a chance to think about it before we get intimate. You don’t need to respond right now. When—and if—you’re ready, I’m happy to talk with you more or to just send you some information.”
“I like how things are going in our relationship, and I’m hoping we’ll end up in bed sometime soon. Before we do, I wanted to let you know that I have genital herpes. I take suppressive therapy and haven’t had an outbreak in a while, so the risk of passing it to you is low.
“Still, it’s not zero. So, I wanted you to have a chance to think about it before we get intimate. You don’t need to respond right now. When—and if—you’re ready, I’m happy to talk with you more or to just send you some information.”
How to Tell Your Partner You Have Genital Herpes
Do You Have to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis?
In some states, you are not legally required to tell someone you have herpes. In other states, you could be charged with a crime if you are sexually active with someone without disclosing a herpes diagnosis.
How to Avoid Spreading Herpes
One thing that scares people when they’re thinking about dating with herpes is the risk of giving it to their potential partners—and that’s a legitimate concern.
There are some steps you can take to lower the risk of spreading herpes, and you don’t have to be dating someone to start taking them. In fact, being proactive can help you feel more prepared to date with herpes.
Know How It’s Transmitted
Use Barrier Methods During Sex
Practicing safer sex is important whether you have herpes or not.However, using condoms consistently (including fororal sex) makes a big difference in your partner’s risk of getting herpes from you.
Condoms anddental damsmake intercourse safer and also make it less likely for you to spread herpes from yourgenitals to a partner’s mouthand vice versa.
Consider Treatment
There are treatments that can reduce the likelihood you will spread herpes during sex. For example, suppressive therapy (which can help decrease how many outbreaks you get) can lower the risk of transmission a lot.
When Your Partner Has Herpes
If your partner is the one with a herpes diagnosis, the advice about dating with herpes is still valuable for you to hear. It can help you understand how your partner might be feeling. It also can guide you about handling your own need for health safety, as well as navigating your relationship.
In the past, you may have dated someone who had herpes and didn’t know. It’s also possible that they knew and chose not to tell you.
If you’re with a partner now who has told you, recognize that it may have been a difficult conversation for them to have but that they have shared this information with you because they want you to be informed.
Focus on having a respectful conversation with your partner about their diagnosis and take in the information they give you with an open mind—even if you’re caught off guard.
Once you’ve had time to think about what they’ve shared, it’s up to you to decide whether to keep dating a partner with herpes. When you communicate your choice to them, do so with kindness.
It’s your choice whether you want to keep dating someone after learning of their herpes diagnosis. Dating someone who knows they’re infected at least gives you the option of intentionally managing your risk.
Summary
Dating with herpes means communicating openly and honestly with your partners. While these conversations can be challenging, they’re an important part of having healthy, supportive, and safer sexual relationships with other people.
While there is still a stigma attached to having herpes, keep in mind that it’s a very common sexually transmitted infection. If you’ve been diagnosed with herpes, you can take steps to prevent spreading it to the people you’re intimate with.
3 SourcesVerywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 1 and type 2 in persons aged 14–49: United States, 2015–2016.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.State Statutes Explicitly Related to Sexually Transmitted Diseases in the United States, 2013.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Genital herpes.
3 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 1 and type 2 in persons aged 14–49: United States, 2015–2016.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.State Statutes Explicitly Related to Sexually Transmitted Diseases in the United States, 2013.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Genital herpes.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 1 and type 2 in persons aged 14–49: United States, 2015–2016.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.State Statutes Explicitly Related to Sexually Transmitted Diseases in the United States, 2013.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Genital herpes.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 1 and type 2 in persons aged 14–49: United States, 2015–2016.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.State Statutes Explicitly Related to Sexually Transmitted Diseases in the United States, 2013.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Genital herpes.
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