Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Are Boundaries?How to Set ThemHealthy vs. UnhealthyRelationshipsExercises
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
What Are Boundaries?
How to Set Them
Healthy vs. Unhealthy
Relationships
Exercises
Boundaries protect a person’s personal or mental space, like fences that give neighbors privacy and help them feel safe. Boundaries are the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behavior between people. They help define where one person ends and another begins. People often learn boundaries during childhood within their families, but not always.Research has shown that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person is able to develop into a distinct person with their own unique interests and skills. Having healthy boundaries gives them a sense of well-being, self-control, and self-esteem throughout their life. If people do not have the chance to learn how to set healthy boundaries as children, it can cause challenges for them as adults.
This article addresses healthy boundaries and how to set them.
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Research suggests that families have three types of boundaries. Families with clear boundaries tend to function well. However, each family may shift between the three main types of boundaries:
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How Do You Know When a Boundary Has Been Crossed?
One of the quickest ways to determine if a boundary has been crossed is to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation.
Pay attention to your instincts. Often, our bodies will respond before our minds when something about a situation feels “off” or unsafe.
If you feel emotionally uneasy or even get physical sensations like nausea, these can be signs that something about a situation has made you very uncomfortable.
How Do I Know If I’m In a Codependent Relationship?
Examples of Boundaries
There are many different types of boundaries, including:
Here are some examples of what boundary setting can look like:
Physical boundaries:
Emotional and mental boundaries:
Behavioral boundaries:
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in your life. Where you put your stop signs and what you consider “crossing the line” will vary based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions.Here are a few things to think about when you’re setting boundaries:
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries allow each person in a relationship or family to communicate their wants and needs, while also respecting the wants and needs of others.
Healthy Boundaries
A few examples of a person exhibiting healthy boundaries include:
Unhealthy Boundaries
Where there are unhealthy boundaries, safety in the relationship is compromised. This may lead to dysfunctional relationships, where people’s needs are not met.
A few examples of a person exhibiting unhealthy boundaries include:
Unhealthy boundaries can quickly turn into abuse. Abuse—whetherphysical,sexual, oremotional—is a violation of boundaries.
People who have been abused as children may not know healthy boundaries. They often grow up with a lack of control over their personal, physical boundaries. The pattern may repeat with abusive partners because it’s familiar and comfortable.Even so, it is important to keep in mind that there is never an excuse for abuse, and if you experience abuse, it is never your fault.
When Unhealthy Boundaries Become AbusiveThis behavior is not healthy and may cross the line into abuse:Violating your physical safetyExerting excessive control of your lifeConstantly scaring youBeing hyper-controlling and preventing you from doing reasonable things you’d like to doForcing you to do things you don’t want toIf you are currently in a relationship where your partner is, or if you or someone you care about is being abused, call theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-SAFE (7233)or text “START” to88788.
When Unhealthy Boundaries Become Abusive
This behavior is not healthy and may cross the line into abuse:Violating your physical safetyExerting excessive control of your lifeConstantly scaring youBeing hyper-controlling and preventing you from doing reasonable things you’d like to doForcing you to do things you don’t want toIf you are currently in a relationship where your partner is, or if you or someone you care about is being abused, call theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-SAFE (7233)or text “START” to88788.
This behavior is not healthy and may cross the line into abuse:
If you are currently in a relationship where your partner is, or if you or someone you care about is being abused, call theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-SAFE (7233)or text “START” to88788.
How to Recognize and End the Cycle of Abuse
Benefits of Setting BoundariesSetting limits can provide balance in your life. Some of the benefits of setting boundaries include:Avoiding burnout:Doing too much for too many people is an easy way to burn out. Setting boundaries can help preventburnout.Less resentment: Giving and helping others is a strength, but when it turns into doing too much for others, you may start to feel resentful. Setting boundaries around what you are able to do can reduce or even get rid of any resentment that may have come up for you.More balance:Sometimes, the boundaries we need to set are with ourselves. For example, while it can feel like a nice escape to binge-watch a favorite show, staying up too late on work nights can lead to exhaustion. Setting a boundary with yourself to go to bed earlier can give your life a little more balance.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Setting limits can provide balance in your life. Some of the benefits of setting boundaries include:Avoiding burnout:Doing too much for too many people is an easy way to burn out. Setting boundaries can help preventburnout.Less resentment: Giving and helping others is a strength, but when it turns into doing too much for others, you may start to feel resentful. Setting boundaries around what you are able to do can reduce or even get rid of any resentment that may have come up for you.More balance:Sometimes, the boundaries we need to set are with ourselves. For example, while it can feel like a nice escape to binge-watch a favorite show, staying up too late on work nights can lead to exhaustion. Setting a boundary with yourself to go to bed earlier can give your life a little more balance.
Setting limits can provide balance in your life. Some of the benefits of setting boundaries include:
Setting Relationship Boundaries
Setting boundaries in relationships is not about keeping others out; it’s about providing an environment where there’s a balance between the needs and wants of all the people who are involved. Setting boundaries with partners, parents, friends, and co-workers all present their own unique challenges.
Setting Boundaries With Partners
Setting boundaries with your partner helps maintain a healthy relationship that supports you both. It can also prevent a toxic relationship from developing. Here are some tips for setting boundaries in an intimate partnership:
Setting Boundaries With Parents
Studies have shown that addressing problems with parents can be stressful. Some suggestions for setting boundaries with parents include:
Setting Boundaries With Friends
Some ways to set boundaries in friendships include:
Setting Boundaries at Work
When it comes to setting limits with colleagues, managers, or supervisors, here are a few tips:
Boundary Exercises
When you set boundaries, you’re communicating to others how you want and expect to be treated. Here are a few exercises that can help when you feel tongue-tied:
Use “I” statements:
When you feel disrespected:
Buy yourself some time:
When you want to say “no” with a little more explanation:
Seeking consent with sexual boundaries:
Summary
Boundaries are the limits of appropriate behavior between people. Personal boundaries define where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries affect intimate relationships, families, and colleagues in a work environment. Setting relationship boundaries can be challenging, but boundaries ensure the relationship is healthy for everyone.
Setting boundaries is a key part of staying mentally healthy and maintaining positive relationships. You don’t have to do this work alone. It may be helpful for you and your loved ones to seek support and guidance on how to set boundaries from a mental health professional.
10 SourcesVerywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Erdem G, Safi OA.The cultural lens approach to Bowen family systems theory: contributions of family change theory: Bowen family systems and family change.J Fam Theory Rev. 2018;10(2):469-483. doi:10.1111/jftr.12258Reiter MD.Systems Theories for Psychotherapists: From Theory to Practice. Routledge. 2018.Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Boundaries in addiction recovery.National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.How to create boundaries in romantic relationships.Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.8 tips on setting boundaries for your mental health.Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.Journal of Family Psychology. 2018;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346Heal For Life Foundation.The effect of trauma on boundary development.Community Health Systems of Wisconsin.Setting boundaries.Birditt KS, Polenick CA, Van Bolt O, Kim K, Zarit SH, Fingerman KL.Conflict strategies in the parent-adult child tie: generation differences and implications for well-being.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2019;74(2):232-241. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbx057National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.What are my boundaries?.
10 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Erdem G, Safi OA.The cultural lens approach to Bowen family systems theory: contributions of family change theory: Bowen family systems and family change.J Fam Theory Rev. 2018;10(2):469-483. doi:10.1111/jftr.12258Reiter MD.Systems Theories for Psychotherapists: From Theory to Practice. Routledge. 2018.Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Boundaries in addiction recovery.National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.How to create boundaries in romantic relationships.Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.8 tips on setting boundaries for your mental health.Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.Journal of Family Psychology. 2018;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346Heal For Life Foundation.The effect of trauma on boundary development.Community Health Systems of Wisconsin.Setting boundaries.Birditt KS, Polenick CA, Van Bolt O, Kim K, Zarit SH, Fingerman KL.Conflict strategies in the parent-adult child tie: generation differences and implications for well-being.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2019;74(2):232-241. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbx057National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.What are my boundaries?.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Erdem G, Safi OA.The cultural lens approach to Bowen family systems theory: contributions of family change theory: Bowen family systems and family change.J Fam Theory Rev. 2018;10(2):469-483. doi:10.1111/jftr.12258Reiter MD.Systems Theories for Psychotherapists: From Theory to Practice. Routledge. 2018.Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Boundaries in addiction recovery.National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.How to create boundaries in romantic relationships.Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.8 tips on setting boundaries for your mental health.Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.Journal of Family Psychology. 2018;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346Heal For Life Foundation.The effect of trauma on boundary development.Community Health Systems of Wisconsin.Setting boundaries.Birditt KS, Polenick CA, Van Bolt O, Kim K, Zarit SH, Fingerman KL.Conflict strategies in the parent-adult child tie: generation differences and implications for well-being.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2019;74(2):232-241. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbx057National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.What are my boundaries?.
Erdem G, Safi OA.The cultural lens approach to Bowen family systems theory: contributions of family change theory: Bowen family systems and family change.J Fam Theory Rev. 2018;10(2):469-483. doi:10.1111/jftr.12258
Reiter MD.Systems Theories for Psychotherapists: From Theory to Practice. Routledge. 2018.
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Boundaries in addiction recovery.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.How to create boundaries in romantic relationships.
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.8 tips on setting boundaries for your mental health.
Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.Journal of Family Psychology. 2018;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346
Heal For Life Foundation.The effect of trauma on boundary development.
Community Health Systems of Wisconsin.Setting boundaries.
Birditt KS, Polenick CA, Van Bolt O, Kim K, Zarit SH, Fingerman KL.Conflict strategies in the parent-adult child tie: generation differences and implications for well-being.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2019;74(2):232-241. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbx057
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Love Is Respect.What are my boundaries?.
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