Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsConversation StartersWhat Not to SayTake CuesStaying SilentHospital VisitsHow You Can Help
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Conversation Starters
What Not to Say
Take Cues
Staying Silent
Hospital Visits
How You Can Help
It can be hard to know what to say when someone is diagnosed with cancer. In addition to not fully understanding how they feel and what they might find helpful (or not), you may be dealing with your own shock, worry, or sadness about the news.
Centering your approach around acknowledging their diagnosis, expressing empathy, and offering support can help guide you.
This article explains what to say to someone who has cancer. It provides sample phrases and concrete ways to support a friend or loved one with a recent diagnosis. It also offers tips on things not to say.
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What to Say to Someone Who Has Cancer
The best advice in this situation is to say how you feel. For example, if you are thinking about them, care about them, or feel sorry they are going through this, then say so. Don’t know what to say? Then say that.
Here are a few more conversation starters:
Sometimes a simple question from a trusted friend or family member can open the floodgates. If the person gets angry, let them vent. If they tell you they’re afraid, give them a prompt to open up further:
These conversations can be uncomfortable or feel hard to manage. However, simply giving the person the time and safe space to process their thoughts and feelings can be a big help. Just respond with empathy and let them do the talking.
What Not to Say to Someone With Cancer
Sometimes it can be easier to know the right things to say than what not to say. Don’t get too caught up in that. Try to have a natural conversation and speak from the heart.
If you are especially concerned about missteps that could turn the conversation in a direction you didn’t intend to, try to keep the following tips in mind:
How a person feels about their diagnosis and whether or not their disease is stable should help direct you as to what to say with someone with cancer. And your approach will undoubtedly change over time.
Maybe they are at a point where their diagnosis is all they want to talk about, or maybe they don’t want to talk about it at all. Maybe they just got the news, or maybe their care team has outlined the treatment path ahead.
Listen to them—what they are saying, what they are not, and how much or how little they are talking. Read their body language. Then, respond accordingly. If you don’t feel like you have a good enough read after doing so, consider asking someone who might be closer to them, such as a parent or spouse, for guidance.
One thing to know is that when it comes to dealing with a stressful diagnosis such as cancer, expect the unexpected.
Sometimes the most surprising thing about a cancer diagnosis is how the patient handles it.They mayshow unbelievable strengthyou never knew they had or be more vulnerable than you knew.
They might show a number of different emotions—sadness, anger, guilt, fear, ambivalence, avoidance. Sometimes they may show all of them at once or change from moment to moment.
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Whatever You Say, Say Something
Sometimes not knowing what to say with someone with cancer can put so much pressure on you that you end up saying nothing at all.
What if your loved one starts to cry? What if they ask you something you don’t know the answer to? What if they get mad at you? What if you make them feel worse?
You might even feel that the person already knows that you care, so you don’t need to say so.
The truth is, cancer is the elephant in the room. Tonotacknowledge can be almost more hurtful than anything you may say.
There is no shame in saying that things may not be coming out the way you want or that you’ve never had to have a conversation like this before and are unsure how to handle it. What’s important is that you recognize their diagnosis and show them that you’re trying.
How to Handle Hospital Visits
If you plan on visiting someone with cancer in the hospital, there are a few things you should consider:
Hospital visits are not mandatory cancer diagnosis “etiquette,” if there is such a thing. Many people have a deep aversion to hospitals, and if you identify with this, know that there are many other ways you can show how much you care.
Make sure your conversation is focused on the patient, notyourissues. That is unless the person explicitly asks to talk about things in your life. Sometimes another person’s story is a good distraction. Just try to keep things light and entertaining.
Hospital Visit Dos and Don’ts
How You Can Help Someone With Cancer
There are many ways you can tell someone you care about them through actions. The great thing aboutcaring actionsis that you feel like you have helped to carry some of the weight of your loved one’s burden.
Even the most minor task can be more appreciated than you know. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:
Key TakeawaysThink before you speak.Allow the person to talk without interruption.Make them the focus of the conversation.Pay attention to cues about how much or how little they wish to talk about their diagnosis.Express care and compassion.Ask before visiting and keep talks short so they don’t get too fatigued.
Key Takeaways
Think before you speak.Allow the person to talk without interruption.Make them the focus of the conversation.Pay attention to cues about how much or how little they wish to talk about their diagnosis.Express care and compassion.Ask before visiting and keep talks short so they don’t get too fatigued.
1 SourceVerywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Klikovac T, Djurdjevic A.Psychological aspects of the cancer patients' education: thoughts, feelings, behavior and body reactions of patients faced with diagnosis of cancer.J BUON. 2010;15(1):153-6.Additional ReadingAmerican Cancer Society.When someone you know has cancer. Updated April 29, 2016.
1 Source
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Klikovac T, Djurdjevic A.Psychological aspects of the cancer patients' education: thoughts, feelings, behavior and body reactions of patients faced with diagnosis of cancer.J BUON. 2010;15(1):153-6.Additional ReadingAmerican Cancer Society.When someone you know has cancer. Updated April 29, 2016.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Klikovac T, Djurdjevic A.Psychological aspects of the cancer patients' education: thoughts, feelings, behavior and body reactions of patients faced with diagnosis of cancer.J BUON. 2010;15(1):153-6.
American Cancer Society.When someone you know has cancer. Updated April 29, 2016.
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