A person withdementiamay sometimes call out for their mother or father, or ask about relatives who died a long time ago. Sometimes, a person with dementia may even say something like, “I want my mom. Help me!”
If this describes your loved one, you may not know how best to respond. Sometimes family caregivers feel sad or even frustrated when this happens. These reactions are normal, especially when that desired person may have passed away many years ago.
This article will help you understand why this happens. It will also help you to prepare some possible responses that may help your loved one in this situation.
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Why Do People With Dementia Ask For Their Parents?
There are several reasons why someone with dementia may call out for their mother or father. Understanding these underlying issues can help you respond with patience and compassion.
Cognitive Impairment
Disorientation to time, place, or person is one of the symptoms of dementia.Couple that with memory loss and the potential for confusion skyrockets.
This confusion can prevent people with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia from remembering that they’re older and that their parents passed away a long time ago. If asked to think about their age and calculate how old their parents would be right now if they were still alive, they can’t do the math.
Additionally,memory loss in dementiaoften is such that more current memories fade first.
As dementia progresses, that fading continues to erase the years in a backward manner so that most of the person’s remaining memories are from their youth.
Security
Often, the person living with dementia calls out for mom or dad because parents can provide security and reassurance in an unfamiliar setting.
Your loved one may feel worried and anxious, which is a normal reaction for anyone when everything and everyone is unfamiliar.
Think of a young child who wanders off in a store. When children are lost and can’t find their parents, it can be disorienting. It can be helpful to remind yourself that this lost feeling is similar to what your loved one with dementia is experiencing.
How to Respond in a Helpful Way
What’s a good way to answer when a loved one asks for mom or dad? What can you say to reassure and comfort the person? Try these three approaches.
Validation
You can try something like this: “Hi Fran, are you looking for someone? I heard you asking for some help. Can I help you with something?”
If the person asks where their mom is again, you can truthfully say, “I haven’t seen her lately.” If the questions persist, you can try answering with a question of your own:
At other times, validation can even help a person come to the point in the conversation where they say, “You know, I really miss my mom. She died several years ago.”
Validation Therapy for People With Dementia
Distraction
Try this: “Can we go for a walk together? I just really need to stretch my legs and I’m sure you do, too. Let’s get some fresh air. I always feel better after breathing deeply outside, don’t you? Can I get you a cookie to enjoy outside, too? I’m so thankful I can spend time with you.”
Sometimes,music therapyis a powerful tool to distract and comfort. You can try turning on some favorite songs and singing along with them.The familiarity of an old song may help provide comfort.
Reality Orientation
Occasionally, a situation develops where it’s just better to bemore direct and honest, even when it can hurt.
For example, if your loved one is worried about their mother or father and believes they’re sick or in danger, it might be helpful to tell them that the person has already passed away so that they aren’t anxious anymore.
In general, this approach is not recommended because it can potentially trigger the person to begin the grieving process all over again for the loss of the parent. However, there are times when it may provide relief for the person with dementia because they can set their anxieties aside.
Still, it is a good idea to only use this kind of direct approach if the person’s concerns persist, are causing distress, and other things you’ve tried haven’t helped.
Using Reality Orientation in Alzheimer’s and Dementia
Summary
A person with dementia may call out for their mother or father, even though their parents have been dead for a long time. This happens because people with dementia lose their sense of time, place, and person.
They may not remember that the person they’re asking for has died, and they may also believe they are living in a point in time when they were much younger.
In this situation, you can ask your loved one if you can help them instead. You can also try asking questions about their mom or dad, or distracting them with music or other activities.
5 SourcesVerywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hugo J, Ganguli M.Dementia and cognitive impairment: epidemiology, diagnosis, and treatment.Clin Geriatr Med. 2014;30(3):421–442. doi:10.1016/j.cger.2014.04.001Jahn H.Memory loss in Alzheimer’s disease.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2013;15(4):445–454. doi:10.31887%2FDCNS.2013.15.4%2FhjahnKwak YT, Yang Y, Koo MS.Anxiety in dementia.Dement Neurocog Disord. 2017;16(2):33. doi:10.12779/dnd.2017.16.2.33Neal M, Barton wright P.Validation therapy for dementia. Cochrane Database Syst Rev.Pedersen SKA, Andersen PN, Lugo RG, Andreassen M, Sütterlin S.Effects of music on agitation in dementia: a meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2017;8:742. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00742Additional ReadingAlzheimer’s Society.Talking point.Stroke Association.Caring for persons with dementia.
5 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hugo J, Ganguli M.Dementia and cognitive impairment: epidemiology, diagnosis, and treatment.Clin Geriatr Med. 2014;30(3):421–442. doi:10.1016/j.cger.2014.04.001Jahn H.Memory loss in Alzheimer’s disease.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2013;15(4):445–454. doi:10.31887%2FDCNS.2013.15.4%2FhjahnKwak YT, Yang Y, Koo MS.Anxiety in dementia.Dement Neurocog Disord. 2017;16(2):33. doi:10.12779/dnd.2017.16.2.33Neal M, Barton wright P.Validation therapy for dementia. Cochrane Database Syst Rev.Pedersen SKA, Andersen PN, Lugo RG, Andreassen M, Sütterlin S.Effects of music on agitation in dementia: a meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2017;8:742. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00742Additional ReadingAlzheimer’s Society.Talking point.Stroke Association.Caring for persons with dementia.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Hugo J, Ganguli M.Dementia and cognitive impairment: epidemiology, diagnosis, and treatment.Clin Geriatr Med. 2014;30(3):421–442. doi:10.1016/j.cger.2014.04.001Jahn H.Memory loss in Alzheimer’s disease.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2013;15(4):445–454. doi:10.31887%2FDCNS.2013.15.4%2FhjahnKwak YT, Yang Y, Koo MS.Anxiety in dementia.Dement Neurocog Disord. 2017;16(2):33. doi:10.12779/dnd.2017.16.2.33Neal M, Barton wright P.Validation therapy for dementia. Cochrane Database Syst Rev.Pedersen SKA, Andersen PN, Lugo RG, Andreassen M, Sütterlin S.Effects of music on agitation in dementia: a meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2017;8:742. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00742
Hugo J, Ganguli M.Dementia and cognitive impairment: epidemiology, diagnosis, and treatment.Clin Geriatr Med. 2014;30(3):421–442. doi:10.1016/j.cger.2014.04.001
Jahn H.Memory loss in Alzheimer’s disease.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2013;15(4):445–454. doi:10.31887%2FDCNS.2013.15.4%2Fhjahn
Kwak YT, Yang Y, Koo MS.Anxiety in dementia.Dement Neurocog Disord. 2017;16(2):33. doi:10.12779/dnd.2017.16.2.33
Neal M, Barton wright P.Validation therapy for dementia. Cochrane Database Syst Rev.
Pedersen SKA, Andersen PN, Lugo RG, Andreassen M, Sütterlin S.Effects of music on agitation in dementia: a meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2017;8:742. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00742
Alzheimer’s Society.Talking point.Stroke Association.Caring for persons with dementia.
Alzheimer’s Society.Talking point.
Stroke Association.Caring for persons with dementia.
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